Friday, December 4, 2009

I Shopping Go

First of all, let's get this straight: men do not shop.
Okay, maybe sometimes, like at the Home Depot, or Sports Authority, or in the liquor or seafood department of the supermarket.
Men go out on a mission to purchase. Key word here is mission.
When men go to the store, we are on a mission.
It is carefully planned with drop zones, rally points, main objectives, optional targets, exit strategies and abort sequences.
For instance, if I need some shoes the thought process goes like this:
Main objective: shoes, black, wingtip
secondary objective: shoes, black, toe cap
Optional target: lunch, Double Whopper with cheese
Drop zone: Macy's parking lot
Rally point: shoe department
Mission: purchase shoes
Optional target: socks
Exit strategy: direct route out

Abort sequence: if wife/girlfriend wants to tag along, decide instead to cut grass

See, the abort mission part is needed, for a guy taking a woman shopping/purchasing in reality turns into a Gilligan's Island type of scenario.
A three hour tour turns into being stranded for a life time:

With a woman along, the man's mission to get some shoes turns into a complete tour of every shop and boutique in the whole freakin' mall.
By the time he leaves, his shoes have gone on sale twice and are no longer in style.
Face it, taking a woman on a trip to the corner liquor store can turn into epic journeys that rival Marco Polo finding the trade route to China.
You end up coming home with just about the same amount of stuff.
Okay, okay, I jest. Kinda sorta.
Anyways, off the mall I go.


dogimo said...

I shop my ass off.

limom said...

Well, you ARE feminine.
I mean a feminist.
Since you kick ass, you get a pass.

dogimo said...

Thanks man!