Catastrophic Fail(ure)!

Wouldn't you know it?
I was just talking about it and something similar happens!
No, I didn't get hit by a car while going the wrong way down the road.
This has much more serious implications.
See, I was-
Wait.
This is going to be long and it is going to be brought to you with limited commercial interruptions so you might want to get yourself a cold beverage or something.
So I was out doing my bicycle thing, creating a convection zone because of all the friction and heated air I was creating as my massive thighs powered me around Kailua.
As I was cranking along at a GAGILLION rpms, I sensed something was not right.
For one thing, my inner thigh kept rubbing on something.
I looked down and figured it was just the seat rails.
After adjusting my position a bit, it began to feel as if one of my legs was shorter than the other:



Now I don't walk with a limp or anything so I'm pretty sure my legs are a matched pair. Still, something was wrong with my pedaling motion.
I thought perhaps one of my shoe cleats had moved, but no, both shoes were secure to the pedals.
This, along with the fact that my derrier was having a hard time finding the sweet spot on the seat was driving me crazy!



So I get to the midpoint of my ride and I'm sitting down on the wall drinking my Jones Cream Soda(limited commercial interruption!) and I'm thinking about all of this.
Did I tell you I was wearing a new set of bib shorts? Well I was wearing a new set of bib shorts and I thought about my inner thigh rubbing against something.
Well, when you have massive thighs, this sort of thing happens don't you know.
So I check my shorts and I just freak out!
There's a spot on my shorts were the brand freakin new Lycra is getting all frizzy like!
Now I'm freakin out cause the shorts are new and it's not like they are cheap. I mean they aren't super expensive or anything but it's not like they were super cheap either.
I see the culprit!
The strap that holds my seat bag to the seat post had come loose and the freakin velcro thingy was rubbing on my brand freakin new shorts!
Now I'm gonna have a cow!



So I'm sitting there and suddenly my Jones Cream Soda is not tasting so good cause I realize that it's from my own stupidity that this is happening to me.
Instead of stopping to check on what was rubbing, I just kept riding along like nothing was wrong.
Wrong!
I glance over at the bike and have another cow!



My leg isn't getting shorter, my freakin seat is pointed like ten degrees off of center!
All those other riders today must have been surprised to see me when they all thought they were passing some girl riding side saddle!
So anyways, I don't feel much like riding around anymore so I limp on home with this dark cloud over me:



Remember the part about the new bib shorts?
Well, I was wearing new shorts because of this:



That's right.
My epic fail caused me to wear a hole in my other shorts.
I now own a pair of eighty dollar underwear.
I'm such a moran.