FRIDAY EXTRA!

The Flat Tire Staff

KAILUA- In a startling series of events, absolutely nothing happened today. At a time of day when usually things are happening, there wasn't anything.
Ralph Wong of Oneawa Street could not believe what he was seeing. "There's always something going on around here. Usually around eight o'clock things are happening. Except today. I woke up, looked outside and thought something was wrong. Up and down the road, there wasn't anything, it was just nothing."

The Flat Tire Staff went out and searched to find something. In places normally bustling with people and activity, we found nothing and more nothing. The emptiness and nothing discovered left staffers speechless.



Area residents were bewildered and could not explain the phenomena. "At this time of day I can hear some yelling and laughing and stuff. And all day long, bells are ringing and like that," said Shirley Wright of Kaha Street. "But today, never have nothing. I thought it was like Sunday or something."


A state spokesperson was unable to explain the sudden appearance of nothing. A senior official, who requested anonymity replied: "First of all, there is no such thing as the appearance of nothing. Nothing appearing is impossible. Second, how can we be sure it's nothing, if there's nothing there?"
He was then asked if the state had an emergency contingency plan in place for the not anything. "Look, this is a totally unexpected development. We've never had to deal with nothingness before. I'm afraid to say we were caught unprepared."
When asked how government planned to respond to the crisis he replied that they could do "absolutely nothing."