All citizens of Flat Tire Land in good standing!
In accordance with the written laws of Flat Tire Land,
a jury of peers have found the following statutes have been broken:
The accused was seen entering a local establishment and observed colluding with two wheeled machines of dubious origin.
The said bicycles, being of non Italian birth, are/were considered contraband in said Flat Tire Land and possession of said bicycles deserves punishment of the most severe type.
The accused was overheard extolling the virtues of two wheeled machines composed of material not of steel.
The only suitable material for bicycles, by order of the Emperor of Flat Tire Land, shall be steel and all other materials considered contraband and possession thereof is punishable by well, punishment.
Unauthorized use of high end two wheeled machine accessories, other wise known as Poseurness
The accused was caught in possession of high quality bicycle accessories with the intent to appear speedy.
The accused in not speedy in any sense of the word so use of said high quality two wheeled machine accessories is therefore prohibited and considered contraband and possession of such is punishable by extreme torture.
The Supreme Court of Flat Tire Land has heard the evidence and pronounced the accused guilty!
All those present shall bear witness to the punishment:
The Treasonous, Blasphemous, Poseurness one must turn revolutions on the Excruciating Torture Machine(ETM) until: One (1), the wheels fall off, Two (2), the Madonna del Ghisallo mercifully ends his pain by loss of consciousness, or Three (3), the end of the Law & Order marathon.
Here Ye! Here Ye!
All those who bear witness!
Let the punishment fit the crime!