Monday, April 2, 2012

The Incredible Fatness of Meeness

I don't walk anymore.
I waddle.
Sort of a side to side gait with extra hip movement thrown in for style points.
I blame the weather, bad blood, Netflix, the couch, potato chips, cream soda, frozen pizza, ham, turkey, pimento loaf bologna and white bread.
Oh and corned beef and cabbage.
That gave me gas.
The cabbage I mean.
The fact that I haven't been riding my bicycle probably has something to do with it.
My flabbyness and roundness didn't just happen overnight.
It's been so long since I've ridden my bicycle that the other day, I put my bicycle shorts on inside out:

Okay, I was going to show you a picture of me with my bib shorts inside out, but this is a family blog.
Besides, I was so embarrassed I blushed and no one was around but me.
Okay, I think The Dog laughed.
I mean I put them on like I always do, then I went to put on my shoes and I looked down and WTF?!
I suppose it doesn't make any difference which side the padding is on, but say it with me: image is everything.
Don't you know.
So anyways I'm carrying around like an extra ten pounds, actually fourteen pounds if you go by my mostest lightness, which I'd like to get back to, but realistically it's like ten.
Pounds I mean.
Which pretty much negates any weight savings I got from my new carbon fibre frame.
That makes me sad.
No more frozen pizza:

No more cheese dogs:

No more cupcakes.
I'd show you a picture of the cupcakes but I already ate them.
In fact, no more food period.
I am not eating until I get back to my lean, mean cycling machine weight.
Or until I fit my new Campagnolo jersey.
Well okay, maybe I'll just eat microwave pork rinds and drink water.
With an occasional cream soda.
I'm fat and I'm mad as hell!
Also very hungry.
So hungry I could eat like ten burritos.
Or some Chinese take out.
Or a double bacon cheeseburger.
Maybe I should just ride my bicycle.


Steve A said...

Exaggeration is a chronic disease of bloggers - Limom "Skinny" Flat Tire...

limom said...

If you saw me, you wouldn't recognize me.
No really.