Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It's A Tool Not A Jewel

First of all, I ride my bicycle.
As much as I can.
Okay, I try not to ride in rain and through deep puddles, but when caught in liquid sunshine, the only thing I cringe about is that stream of water that comes off the front tire directly into my frontal breathing apparatus.
I don't have a rain bike, although it would be nice, so the Celeste Devil serves most of my biking needs.
I mean it's just a bicycle right?
Well, I also like for it to look nice.
I mean I have to admit, I'm sort of proud about my bicycle and all the upgrades I've put on it.
I just like to have nice stuff.
Okay, there's also the nuts and bolts factor as nice stuff usually works better than cheap stuff, but in this case, sort of besides the point.
The point is, while I do set my bicycle up on a pedestal, in the end, it's just a bicycle.
So why all the bling?
When does it end?
Where exactly is the point of diminishing returns?
I figure diminishing returns start at upgrade one and everything is down hill from there.
Using that form of logic means there must be a bottom right?
Well the other day, I ordered this:

I just wasn't happy with the way them black valve stem caps looked.
Then I put those silver ones on and decided I wasn't happy with them either.
Then I started thinking, why am I so obsessed over a freakin valve stem cap?
What does it matter to me for when I ride, I can't even see the darn things.
Outta sight, outta mind.
Still, I can't help but dreaming, fantasizing if you will, about continually upgrading my bicycle.
Stop the Super Record Titanium lust!
I cannot stop these Italian voices in my head!
It's just a bicycle right?
I needed some help.
A reminder that my bicycle is meant for riding and not some kind of evil status symbol only one half of one percent of the population will understand.
So I got me these:

Yes, I joked about them in a previous post, but since then I have been thinking about them.
Not just your normal valve stem caps:

That's right upgrade fans!
Valve stem caps with genuine Swarovski crystals!
These things have got to be, if not close to, the stupidest things you could buy for your bicycle.
Normally, I'd be ashamed to be caught with these radiant fou-fous on my bike, but in this case I'm actually sort of proud.
For with the installation of these ostentatious little critters, I've finally found the bottom of the abyss.
There can be no more bling.
Every time I look at those sparkling Liberace like devils, I'll be reminded of how enormously ridiculous the constant need for upgrading is.
I mean seriously, there comes time when too much is just well, too much and let's face it here, those puppies are just too much.
I call it shame therapy.
Besides, there's no way I can top decadence like this.
Actually though, the do look pretty cool and now my bicycle is not only a tool but a jewel too.
Sort of.


John Romeo Alpha said...

Now that you are done blinging up the outside, you can turn inwards: ceramic bearings all around. Bottom bracket, wheels, pedals, headset, those dull steel bearings have to go, to be replaced by the ultimate in rolly-ness!!

Big Oak said...

What about your handlebar plugs?

Anonymous said...

jRa, I'll certainly give ceramic bearings a consideration once I get my cadence up to around 20,000 rpms.
Speaking of rpms, I wonder what kind of revs the wheels do at say around 20mph?

Big Oak, now that you mention it, a couple of gigantor 10 carat cubic zircons would look pretty nifty.
To match the valve stems I mean.

Anonymous said...

See, now I can't even post up to my own blog!