Which is what I should have done.
Okay, I did.
I just didn't look far enough.
Ahead I mean.
Today, the waste material collided with the air circulation device.
In a big way.
I mean it was a big way to me.
If you've been following along at home, you know that there's been some trouble down on the ranch.
I thought, and here's the thing, I thought that I had thought this thing through, but being somewhat new to this game, something unexpected occurred.
As usual, I cannot get into details, privacy and all that, but what I can say is that it involved personal decisions and moral dilemmas and right and wrong choices.
Something we all face everyday.
Making a choice.
That's basically what it call came down to.
I've expounded on the possible implications that my decision(s) were based upon selfish reasons, and now I face the fact that it was probably so.
Self preservation comes to mind when I look back on this whole mess and reassess the damage.
Yes, there was damage.
Not to me, not in the physical or even the mental sense.
Okay, maybe a bit mental, and maybe even a bit physical as I still feel a bit sick to my stomach about the whole ordeal.
The good of the many out weighs the good of the few or the one.
Star Trek fans will recognize this phrase, it came at a very emotional time for Captain Kirk, but he understood.
Sometimes the sacrifice of the one must be done in order to save the many.
A very simple axiom to live by, especially in my line of work.
Okay, maybe not so easy to live by, much less understand.
It's difficult to comprehend why some get hurt in order to further the needs of others, especially if the one taking the hit is someone with a face, a face you know and consider a colleague.
We all do something sacrificial that can be considered beneficial to others: we ride bikes in order to keep the air clean, to burn less fossil fuels, and we endure the pain and suffering knowing we are doing something good.
Something positive, no matter how little it effects the over all big picture.
The thing is, if everyone indulged in this small sacrifice, maybe the over all picture would begin to be impacted.
A positive change for the better.
Dare I use the word reform?
Well the sacrifice I made involved a little piece of my conscience, and I risked perhaps some damage to my professional reputation, though I have been reassured that this is not the case.
The part about my professional reputation I mean.
Still, it doesn't make things any better.
Discarding the lop sided reasoning I use to justify my actions, I face the fact that I also put another reputation on the line.
I suppose I should take this as the pain and suffering to be endured in the name of the greater good, for the many and not just the one.
The damage created by all this is probably not permanent, and that can be considered either good or bad.
At the same time, I realize that my decision will probably not affect change, and that my efforts can be traced to the self gratifying acknowledgement that I did the right thing.
I did the right thing I mean.
The reassurance I received from the powers above are unconvincing; I have uttered the very same reassurances myself, way back in another life so I know a line when I'm being fed one.
I know I must face and deal with this situation alone.
Time to fly solo.
The bottom line comes when I ask myself whether or not I'd do it again, and in this case the answer is yes.
Only next time, I'll be sure to look further ahead, if anything, to prepare myself for the inevitable blowback.
I take some consolation in reminding myself that I did not enter this profession to sit back and collect a paycheck.
I dove into this head first, knowing it would be a challenge, knowing that I would face some adversity, and knowing that perhaps I would be able to make a difference.
The making a difference part started today.
I'm not sure where that road leads.
I'll find out in three weeks.