I'm afraid I have some bad news.
I sort of knew something was wrong with me, besides the obvious I mean, and now I know the truth.
I have self diagnosed Post Ride Fantastical Delusion Syndrome.
Unfortunately, there is no cure.
I should have saw the signs early.
Euphoria, satisfaction, swell headedness.
That one was hard to detect.
The swell headedness I mean.
I got a naturally big noggin.
Don't worry, I dont think it's contagious.
I mean you can't catch it just by reading this blog.
At least I don't think you can.
It's pretty darn serious so you better just read at your own risk.
Let me explain.
It all started when I got these road bikes.
Yes, I'm sure that's when it started.
I mean I never had any symptoms when I was rocking the Flat Tire Special.
So anyways, I get these road bikes and I see some improvement in my average speeds.
I'm always trying to get better and fitter and it just wasn't happening on the ole 29er.
Well, I start to get a bit faster and next thing you know, I start getting these fantastical fantasies!
I would come home after my ride all huffy and puffy, sit down in front of the computer to log my information, and it would start.
It came slowly at first, so slow that I didn't notice it right away.
Creeps up on you it does.
At first I'm all happy and excited that my average speed has increased.
Then I start thinking about the next ride and how I'm gonna set some new personal records.
I mean it's a visual thing, I can see myself out there, Out There! on the road, legs a churning and a pumping, heart rate a maxing, sweat a dripping then like Emeril it hits!
Next thing you know I'm a rocking the 50/12 or something and turning out a 100 rpms like I'm the Six Million Dollar Man!
Of course my eyeball takes a picture and captures the moment for all prosperity.
Gotta have some evidence don't you know.
Oh man I'm just flying!
I mean I'm like blazing around Lanikai making old folks scream and little children are like cowering in fear!
This is good part, hills got nothing on me!
Hell I down shift to like the 5 cog or something and I'm outta the saddle leveling mountains!
I'm faster on the inclines than I am on flat ground!
I mean I'm like accelerating like I was shot out of a gun!
Then my heart slows down some, and the mist clears from my eyeballs.
Or maybe I'm just wiping the industrial strength perspiration away and things become a bit more focused.
The wind in my face dies down, the dog has taken up residence in front of the Vornado, and I realize I'm doing bike pedals while laying out on the couch.
I feel a bit feverish.
The computer screen becomes clear.
I'm still slow.
Maybe even slower than yesterday, and yesterday I was pretty fast!
That was when I realized what it was.
Third stage Post Ride Fantastical Delusion Sydrome(PRFDS).
What a let down.
Wait! how can I be sure it's PRFSD?
This only happens post ride.
Well, okay sometimes it happens at night like right before I fall asleep so it could be Pre REM Happy Thoughts Wishful Thinking Sickness(PREMHTWTS), but I hope not.
I mean that's like ten times worse!
Imagine the trauma of waking up and realizing that you, you are like, like, normal.
Less than normal even!
Oh the horror.
No, I'm pretty sure it's PRFDS.
I'm not looking for sympathy or anything.
I'm just talking about it so that you, the reader can recognize the symptoms and get treatment early.
A daily dose of getting passed by women triathletes and little girls on pink bikes will lead to complete recovery.
Not for me though.
No, it's too late for me.
I get passed all the time and I still think I'm fast.
Stick a carbon fork in me.